Friday, April 3, 2015

twenty nine

I turned twenty nine years old 6 months ago and didn't even blog about it. That makes me feel down because I always love looking back on posts I write about myself as an inkling of who I was at that age, and the fact that I didn't even write anything is sad. At least for my narcissistic side. But oh well. These days six months passes and it only feels like a few weeks, so I guess there is and there isn't always time for everything just depending on the day. And even six months late I want to talk about myself and my birthday and so I'll do what I want! And it just so happens that it took me long enough to write this post bit by bit that it's actually my half birthday today, so it's totes cool, bra!

I woke up on my 29th birthday feeling quite a bit of anxiety. Not all of it was negative, but it was definitely present. I had experienced two official anxiety attacks in the last two years and I think it's sort of become part of this current model of Carla. The earlier version didn't have much anxiety, this one does, and maybe future ones won't. It doesn't really feel like a part of me, more like an accessory that I'm not ready to take off. Or can't figure out how. Or need to learn from first. I felt some negative anxiety over the things I can't control and also that I have to be in control more than ever when managing feelings of myself and others (especially my household residents.) Stakes are higher and more to lose and stuff like that. I felt some serious positive anxiety over some of the things I was hoping to accomplish or figure out or just elevating life, because maybe I haven't been playing big enough and this felt like the year to really do something about that. That anxiety also translates into fear or excitement depending on the day.

The day itself was wonderful. October third had lovely weather and lots of sunshine. Donuts first like always, I was given an auto lock for our door which is my most favorite type of present (a practical one!), I wore fancy eyeliner all day, Matt took the day off work and we hit the dinosaur museum with the kids, then we all napped and later that night Matt took me out for a fun meal and a surprise visit to the Desert Start where I was giddy with the bad puns & the atmosphere. It was such a great day and spending time with that man is where it's at. He's the best one for me and wasn't even mad that a goat sitting on a rock topped everything else because I am such a weirdo and saw a goat on a rock and it was just a moment for me. I don't know, can't really explain it but I did take this video right after so we could remember it...

                                       Goat! from Carla Thorup on Vimeo.

Maybe it made you laugh? It doesn't matter, because Matt and I really like to remember it. It was bonding and weird and I'm glad it happened.

The night before my actual birthday we went to laser tag with some neighbor friends and ate tons of ice cream sammys and it was super fun and delicious and my girl Megan and I always laugh this hard. She's a good egg. A Meggan-egg if you will ;)

So there you have it. Twenty nine. 6 months in and I feel pretty good. I am not totally in love with my hair... even though I get so many nice compliments. It doesn't photograph well and if anyone knows anything about me, it's that I take a lot of photos of myself and I need my hair to reflect better. Silly, but not. I feel like I'm comfortable enough being me that I am not afraid to stand up for myself, but also know that I actually know barely anything about this big world and am grateful to be taught by others. I am in a place that sometimes is painful while I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life & where to put my efforts and beliefs... but painful like growing pains that seem ok because they're necessary. I've been physically sick too much in the past six months it's ridiculous, but also in sickness it makes you appreciate the health etc etc so whatever. I'm over getting sick. Matt is an excellent partner. My kids are amazing even when they suck. I have good people around me and a lot of time to spend developing myself & my life & hopefully serving others as well. I feel excited to turn thirty but am trying not to rush it. This twenty nine is good. Solid. I mean, and if anything there was a goat... so I'ma gunna enjoy the rest of the year remembering that and be A-ok.

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