Saturday, May 24, 2014

emotional may

May has taken it's toll on my tear ducts. This month has been fraught with all sorts of things which have left me stressed and panicked and sad and happy and hormonal and all of the other emotions in between. It started on May 1st where I had a legit panic attack and continued over the last few weeks with major highs and lows. I know a lot of this has to do with being almost 3 months postpartum... every emotion just seems larger when also dealing with a leaky chest, a crying babe, and continuous sleep loss.

I also am guilty of having a hyperactive "can-do" attitude which gets amplified during these extra hormonal months. And I hate missing out (FOMO is real) when I know I would have fun... because I like thinking I can do it all. Take for example a group date that was planned for last weekend which I was so looking forward to, but when I showed up in a room of 5 other couples who were legitimately happy and relaxed to be out on a date, I realized I was faking my happy and relaxed feelings and went home and cried & took a nap instead. I was so stressed and tired and trying to make a date night with a newborn work was not fun at all, but boy I tried hard to convince myself I was fine. (Everyone else in the room has tons of kids, but all are at least 1 year old... and everyone sympathized about those newborn months because we'd all been there! I just tricked myself into thinking I could be exempt. Aaaaaand I'm not.)

The older I get the more I realize that I'm losing my power of invincibility. The major contributing factor to invincibility is control. I used to feel like I had a lot of control and that in turn made me feel invincible. As the years come and go, I am realizing how little control I really have in this life and it's making it equal parts better and worse. Better because I hold on to loved ones tighter, I constantly check in with my faith levels, and I find more time to be grateful for my current life exactly how it is. Worse because I feel fear and sadness and discouragement deeper because I now understand how much I really have to lose, and how I can't do anything about it sometimes.

This isn't to say May has been a bad month. All those stressed and sad times just make the carefree happy times better, so it's fine. I welcome it all because that's just life and how the cards are dealt. Also, last month we found Guido dog a new home and we're all healing from that change. We of course miss him (Matt very much so), but I also have been dealing with a little bit of embarrassment and shame because "I couldn't handle it all." I don't usually get too guilty on myself for many things, but coming to terms that I couldn't handle kids and a dog has been weirdly hard. I haven't felt ashamed for quite a long time, so I'm having to almost re-learn how I personally deal with failure in my life. Funny how a dog totally brought it out in me. And also, Guido went to a good home with a couple who is unable to have children and he'll be loved immensely. We treated it like an adoption and interviewed some candidates before making a choice. I'll admit it's been quieter and calmer around the house, but now that I don't have Guido to be continuously mad at sometimes EZ or Matt gets more of my impatient rants. Always a trade off, I swear. Also, I don't have paw prints all over my floor, but we have crumbs everywhere because Guido ate everything... and now it's all just left on our floors. We love him and miss him and that's ok.

Here's to looking forward to a less emotionally tasking June.

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