Tuesday, November 5, 2013

"and you just handed me the empty bag"

So I have this thing where I'm not good at saying no to candy. You too? Yeah, I figured I wasn't alone. I've basically been shooting candy directly into my blood stream for weeks since the first day of October. But I will declare it right here and now, I think there is nothing more delicious than a nice bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms. (Capitalization necessary to show you I'm serious.) And actually, I feel a poem coming on.

Your colorful shell is just the start;
direct from your bag you enter my heart.
You titillate each of my tasty buds, 
my happiness bubbles until it floods.
The crispy casing I'm quick to devour,
for hidden inside I find the real power.
Smooth and creamy, yet slightly crumbly
it starts quite small, almost humbly.
Then BANG! the flavor punches my face,
I crave nothing more than this time and space.
Thank you for being a delicious gem, 
my brilliantly vibrant, PB M&M.

There you have it. It's officially been poem'd.

So... I went to book club a few weeks back and my sassy friend Melanie said they had XXXL bags of the M&Ms on sale at Costco. Um... that's 3 X's more than anyone should ever be tempted with... but alas. I went! I bought! I succumbed to the Costco size temptress!

Then I made Matt hide them from me and dole out "rations" at random times throughout the week. Seriously, he gives me small baggies full of the colorful crack because I have absolutely NO self control when it comes to stopping from eating just one more. It's been a fine system thus far, and I think we'll stick with it.

So Matticus the Redbeard wakes up the other morning in a sour mood. He's giving me the stink eye before we even kiss, so I know something in the subconscious of his dreamland has caused this moody cloud (it's not the first time dreams have been the culprit, actually.) What could I have done in his dream? Another man? Did I ninja-kill him? Could I have forced him into a heights compromising situation?

No no. He dreamt that I had sneakily watched him fill up my ration of PB M&Ms and then snuck downstairs in the middle of the night to eat the entire XXXL bag. So when his dream-self woke up, my dream-self guiltily walked over to him and handed him the empty bag. He was furious! How dare I break the sacred trust of the M&M hider!

Obviously he hides his disappointment for my lack of PB self-control in candy coated dreams. But like they* say, better candy coated disappointment than other types.

No body puts Peanut Butter M&Ms in the corner. Sorry, Matt.

Can I have another ration tonight?

*probably no one ever has said this


  1. I love this. When I was pregnant with Katelyn I always wanted something sweet. Just a little bite. So I bought a bag of Peanut Butter M & M's and I hid them in a drawer we don't ever use. Everyday I wanted something sweet I would go grab a handful (or maybe 2). I hid them from everyone, I would only sneak them when Carter was asleep and Shawn had no idea. That drawer was stocked my whole pregnancy. It doesn't get much better than PB M & M's!